*Sticky* This is not the beginning, nor the end. Just a moment that could forever change our lives.

Disclaimer: I wanted to make it known that I am documenting my experience with C-PTSD some what backwards or at least not chronologically, who knows what tomorrow will bring for me. I have been suffering from physical symptoms of C-PTSD which I will share in detail later in this blog, for approximately 5 years that I can recall. I have had many periods of rest, and relative calm but have entered a phase that began its onset, building up speed and size like a snowball rolling down a hill, beginning in late Jan. 2015. It was March, when this disorder crept in and rapidly terrorizing and effectively emptied my life, in every way.

It was supposed to be the culmination of everything I had desired and fought to achieve my entire life. I had a career, not just a job, one that I was good at, that came with financial freedom and independence. My family had just completed the build of our first home. We had roles in all parts, the blueprints, the blood/sweat/tears of hard work from start to finish. In the end, after all the hard work we moved into our Home. We live in our home and most days I resent it. This damn house, it has never felt like a home! I've no longer got the career I had, the fancy car that I earned for myself, nor any standard by which I would have defined how it felt to feel alive. As a person devoid of feeling my own emotions, especially in consideration of achievements and success, I can acknowledge that what it took was materialistic or monetary losses in the long run but they were mine! That "you built it once, you can build it again" bull-poopy is for the birds!

Today is one promising moment. A glimmer of hope for recovery. A break in the clouds that have consumed my life. Coincidentally, on Independence Day. It is not over, this fight will never be over for me. PTSD is a lifelong battle. Today was a good day. One good day on this terrifying, uncontrollable roller coaster describing where I've been living. I do plan to fill in all the information I can remember as quickly as possible. I will translate journal entries I have from over the years into posts here for you. Don't give up, or feel discouraged in your process.

I will share my challenges, searches, symptoms, experiences and random rapid uncontrollable thoughts that have at times become too much and on occasion helped to decipher the pathway to my current status. I have discovered that there was so much I really knew the entire time, but could never connect. Its part of the PTSD cloud. This needs to be cleared from your view blow by blow, breath by breath. You can not rush, or run. I hate to tell you this but someone has to. I found that its easier to hear what you already know but can not accept because you aren't able to trust in yourself. Trust in those that have been where you are, those you surround yourself with for support, or maybe you found yourself a professional, in my case it was a psychotherapist whom I will be forever grateful for.


A very wise man I will absolutely discuss along the way spent quite a bit of breath instilling in me to "Celebrate myself" (he used my name, insert yours). In those moments of my life, and still most days presently. I found myself looking at him like he would never fathom what was lurking inside me. He wouldn't, couldn't believe what I needed him to hear and guide me through. 

On this day July 4, 2015, many years later, it clicked, just for a moment. That moment was all I needed to take an unrestricted breath of life. I look forward to having more moments like these. I'm aware that this war is not over, but I have won a battle. For that I will celebrate my accomplishments. I will celebrate myself! 


WARNING: There are occasional curse words throughout my blog. Nothing used in a demeaning way but for what its worth, don't say I never told you. :)

Sometimes we need to put our feelings to a rhythym

You hurt me today.

A pain I've felt many times before.

Another promise was broken, much to my dismay.

There have been too many to account for.

You throw words like daggers,

but use those same words to avoid a war after every battle. 

A well planned attack, calculated and thorough, 

driven by something cold, dark, and callous moving in silent brutality.

I always heard that love hurts,

but no one ever warned how deep the daggers would cut.

You hurt me today. 

A pain I feel becoming unbearable. 

I waited for you to come home,

so I could welcome home my husband just like you asked of me.

I did what you asked of me, 

I always listen to what you were saying so I could be what you need,

and so you wouldn't be mad.

I feel my heart beating like a drum against my chest as your car pulls up.

Will it be enough to matter this time?

Then I see your face and instantly find myself examining,

if I will have a change to smile today or if the eggshells I live on will shatter as I fall back onto them.

You hurt me today. 

A pain I'm afraid had become too much. 

I really thought you were committed to changing this time.

Every time those lips lets the promises slither over them to me I'm filled with faith,

why does it never translate?

These cycles are growing unpredictable and unpreventable,

positive thoughts becoming a distant memory as the smiles pass faster and are further between.

My mind begins to offer less and less love,

as you suffocate my heart with hate.

I gave you everything you asked for,

my body, my mind, my soul, it was all yours for the keeping.

I completely surrendered myself to you with complete trust and love, 

but you took so much I have no pieces of my soul left to give you.

When will you see me, actually see me as I crumble before your very eyes, 

a broken abandoned shell of myself clinging to life, to my love for my husband.
A husband who hurt me, a man who never loved me...

You hurt me today.

A pain I vowed to myself I will never again feel.

My heart seems to spill over with grief and shed tears my eyes can no longer allow.

I feel myself screaming and begging from within to give me a sign, an emotion, 

remind me, show me, let me feel that I do matter to the man I have spent my life with.
I simply asked to see that you cared, although deep down I always knew that it wasn't true.
So many times I had left you, I didn't even know what to do,
living without the only love that I knew...
Its why I came back hoping for change,
not this time master, oh no, this time I made the final move!
I may stand here alone but this I can say,
you will never again hurt me, not this day, tomorrow, or EVER!
I took back my life,
the one I foolishly had given to you.
I took back my soul, and walked away with nothing but a big FUCK YOU!

Recovering from C-PTSD....yeah, it happens.

I saw the great and powerful Oz today, aka Dr. N. The man who has one hour long visit at a time taken a small girl from lost, broken, and afraid into an increasingly stronger woman daily. He  metaphorically held out a mirror, prompting and waiting patiently  until I saw her, me, MYSELF! Me! This beautiful woman in the reflection. A strong woman, fierce, intelligent but what I really saw was all the good in my heart just waiting to explode into the world. I see compassion and life. I want to make a change, not just in myself but change this world. I need to share the love I have. Inspire! Teach! Make a difference! I spend so much time wondering, questioning, and living in fear, fear of myself, fear of nothing and something all at the same time. I am not living at all! I have accepted, with a little coaching that I am changing. Dr. N says I have hit the recovery point. That there will be ups and downs but I am in a place to be thankful of.  Dr. N asked if this is the real me. I was instantly taken a back. I cowered in weakness and fear, for nearly a second. Then I sat up, strong, tall and proud! I answered with a certainty, a confidence. I am sure. I am positive. I am really, truly this person I feel emerging. The person I've always striven to be  I am fucking woman, hear me roarrrrrr!!!!! THIS IS WHO I WAS BORN TO BE!

This morning, even before I saw Dr. N I knew it had to be different. I had to be different. Recovery will be possible. I do have to acknowledge I am fighting something bigger than me. I am fighting fear itself for goodness sake. A fight that many before me, before you, before us have been unable to manage. I got out of bed this morning, and I opened my curtains. I let in life! I let in the sun! I will not fail. I will not let my demons, my fear, my pain, or that woman win! My mission in life is to overcome. My mission in life is to love. What's yours? 

Today I made a difference. It made me feel utterly amazing. It reminded me that I can do this. This of course, being what I believe I was put here to do in life. I want to help others feel what is inside me. Not the pain. Not the hurt, but the good. The positive. The love! The life! Today, I helped a man who is very dear to me let go of his demons. I showed him he does not have to let anyone define him. By supporting, and believing in this man, that he is worthy, that he is able. He felt empowered. I felt empowered! I felt the beauty that is life and he did too! This man has carried with him for years a box of ashes, representing his painful past. Tonight he let go of his fears, the power that he once allowed to rule his life, he banished. He did it alone, in private but I waited for him. Afterwards we walked to the lake, and took it all in. The trees, the stars, the immensity of the sky, the water, the wildlife..... its all alive. He too had been living death and for the first time looked around in awe, with a child like curiosity. It is the strangest thing how your sight changes once you take your power back. The view is the same but it looks completely different. Its plain and simple life. Its everywhere around us!! Life is truly free! Breath it in!! I swear we both walked taller and stronger together at that moment. 

My recovery from this hell will be successful. I know for a fact who I am. This may just be the beginning of a life I should have been living a long time ago but on the past I will not dwell! For I choose life. We only have one life, but with this one life we can touch many. What makes me happy is helping others, making a diffrerence. It will not only be a part of my individual recovery but helping others, making a difference, spreading love, compassion, and the pursuit of happiness will be a part of my legacy. PTSD will not take my life. Fear will no longer define me. I choose life! You can choose life too. I came across a few websites today with some steps I've found useful towards recovery. Thats all they are though, is steps. You must decide to take them. You will fall but I am here to help pick you up. I will struggle with you, for you, for myself. We can do this together! You are not alone. 

Sure these seem simple, but its about a state of mind. When you feel negative, choose a positive. When you feel angry, choose happiness. When you feel afraid, push through. You will never feel change, until you make the change. You can do this. Utilize these websites crammed with tools for your recovery that can make a real difference. Some people need medications, some need therapy (raises hand), some need a swift kick in this ass. There is no shame in your game, unless you choose not to get up and play!!!! 

PTSD recovery tools These are a few tips and tools that you may not realize can make a huge difference.  

10 principles of recovery Just in case, here is a no nonscense list of the basics, broken down. These are important. PLEASE READ

Learn to let go and love yourself  We can not change, unless we love ourselves. That means all of ourselves. The good, the bad, the shitty, and the muffin tops. (Oh that's probably just me lol)  

know yourself  I had to google how to learn who I am. No jokes. There is no shame here. No judgement. Unless you don't try. Then all bets are off. Dont be afraid to ask google! The only stupid questions are those we don't ask. 

Meditation changes your mind Literally, changes the wiring. I do believe an update is needed....

Meditation changes your life- ITS PROVEN You made it this far, click the link. I can't make this up.

Tips for meditation If you're like me, you think you need to sit there in this crossy-leg pose, humming like a bird, and good luck getting the kids to leave you alone! Right. Not in my house. Go for a walk, hide in a closet or bathroom, sit on the bench at the park, do whatever YOU like! This is about you! 

Most of all.... Don't expect all rainbows and sunshine. There will be storms, but those too shall pass. If every day you get up and try again for a better day, soon enough you will have less storms. 

Live for yourself.....Stop letting some inconsiderate asshole run your life. That monster of a person isn't going to be there if you fail! Don't let that person claim your success story! It is your success story. Now get up and fight for it! 

If you are reading this and need someone to understand, I am here. There will be no judgement, no negativity, no more being alone. I will walk this journey with you. We can hold hands and struggle together. If you're there, let me know. Your privacy is protected. Comments come to me before they are posted. Nothing ever needs to be seen by anyone but me. I am here. You don't have to be alone anymore. Is there anyone out there? 

I've got to be the change I'm looking for.

I broke again yesterday. Today I woke up and took action. I will see my doctor shortly. I cleared my space of the clutter that has taken over. I opened the curtains and I blasted "Fight song" by Rachel Patten.

A day like yesterday can not happen again. I will once again fight for my life only this time I won't be beaten. I have anger. It's a feeling, a feeling I can work with. I will use this and make a god damn difference.

When I return to you tonight I will have knowledge, a plan, and a drive for better. Stay tuned because PTSD will not kill me, my Mother will not kill me, my pain will not steal from me what is rightfully mine. I will fight. We will fight. This will not be the end, this will be the beginning of a life I only dreamed of having.

No way to hold on.

Alone. Empty again.

I woke up alone today. Through the nightmares in the night there was no way to hold on. Its why I hate sleep. I pushed anyway, trying all day. Clinging to anything that I could. Music, people, my family but nothing helped.

I returned from work, stumbled to my bedroom and as I curled into a ball drifting between wake and sleep  I realized this is a fight that Im not sure how to win.

There was so much hope. I can't live this way. How do I make this stop?

Am I really alone? Are you reading this? Is anyone out there?

Feelings... awful/wonderful things.

I don't want to let this go. The ability to feel things. I was a fabulous little actress, assuming the identity of others feelings, even believing they were mine. I thought I felt things at times. I thought many things but I have been coming to terms with the fantasy I convinced myself was reality. Slowly. It's rough. So much was just survival, even the good in my adult life. It was never real to me. Not completely.

After sitting on the upstairs deck for hours watching, smiling, enjoying the life I could see happening out there. Bobbing my head up and down, looking between the railing and the different boats. I imagine it must bring great joy to spend time with friends, family, and enjoying the company of people. I'm drawn to things like a child today. I ask myself if my soul, what I call the part of me that "left" me empty and unfeeling but alive, is it that of a child still? I felt so, carefree and happy. It was brief, but it WAS!

The lake cleared, everyone went home for the evening, and the coast seemed clear. I joined my family (those people I had been living with but avoiding) to wander down safely and take it all in. Life... it can be beautiful. I smiled and was laughing, go figure, didn't know I could do that without thinking it through, considering my surroundings and the people then meeting what I thought was their desired emotional reaction. I had really become proficient at fitting my outward expressions to the audience. It was survival mode in my world. I HATED being questioned about what was wrong. I didnt know myself, how the hell could I explain it to anyone!?

I cried quite often when I smiled tonight. I called it happy tears. I was just so overcome by the fact that happiness existed, or that is how interpreted the alien things inside me providing internal responses to the circumstances without prompt or thought on my part. I'm learning to sort and process them naturally... I think.

Im still very concerned and filled with anxiety regarding my condition. Could this be a manifestation too? How does it feel begin the healing process? I had bouts of emotional numbness again. I can definitely recognize that. I would immediately recognize fear, I'm good at feeling and acknowledging that one when it pops up. This must have been the internal rationalization to remind my soul/brain that it is okay, it is a safe place.

Not only did I eat 3 pieces of french toast and an egg today, but also 2 of the square slices of pizza, drank water, pepsi, and a cup of coffee but now I think I will go to sleep...

I don't want to go back to how I felt. Tell me how to stay here... please?

I can't really be alone in this can I? Are you reading this? Is anyone out there?

Gone but not forgotten.

I've been on a rapid decline since a few hours after my Independence Day post yesterday. It's seemed my mind/body had been encapsulated in this lock of a dissociation state for too long and just fell from this almost elevated place of no where, while at the same time everywhere.

I hadn't slept more than a few sporadic hours here and there, ate and drank barely required amounts necessary to basic survival in at least a month. I was locked away within myself seeing, feeling, experiencing a world out of my control. Flashes bombarding me. Forcing feelings down my throat. Maintaining life around me had become nearly impossible over the last 4 days. I could no longer drive, hardly function. Everything was culminating to this moment.

It seemed acceptance and comprehension were necessary though I was looking for a reason to blame myself, while seeking to forgive someone, something else. I didn't know what the missing link had been. I searched and searched, refusing to accept that I had split my personality and called my alter a Mother for survival. Why would I be idolizing the worst of my abusers in a lifetime of many.

I wanted to login and tell you where I was. That I needed someone to tell me I was as crazy as I thought. To write in that/those moments but I couldn't grab on long enough to get any words to form. Denial was comfortable, safer. This couldn't have been my entire life...could it have?

I found a journal labeled "pathways to my sanity" that seemed to verify completely that I had finally understood a piece of my life that I never could. I spent the night wondering how, why that happened. How sick am I? To no avail. It was a two week period of time, 2 1/2 years ago where I had gotten so close to the answers that I did yesterday but couldn't make the dots connect. I guess at the time I wasn't ready for this....

By 1030 a.m. on 07/05/15, less than 3 hours of sleep in 48 hours, I fell. I fell and the safety net was myself. I had never relied on myself. It has since been a rough few hours between wake and sleep. Emotions are exhausting. I had been forced to examine truth without distraction thanks to our super fun friend PTSD. It forced me to actually look at what I needed to see. Everything hurts, my body, my head, this dark depression that seemed to strip me of life the only life I remember and debilitate me in a way I've never felt. It's just pain/anguish. That's I all I feel.... I feel? I do!

I'm distant emotionally from the man who I used to find all my comfort in. He had betrayed me. He pushed so far that I had to get and order of protection against him I had spent years blind to his truth, my truth. He abused me, physically, emotionally and sexually but I kept going back for 12 years!! I have spent years blind, lost, unfeeling and alone. Processing feelings as a 30 year old woman who has no idea how to handle them is, well different. I'm sad, angry, and betrayed. Consider me like a very pregnant, incredibly hormonal with an understanding that this mess of feelings is for a reason.  I laugh and cry simultaneously as I sit in the bath alternating between putting words together here, reading a book called "Trauma and Recovery" by Judith Lewis Herman (great read by the way, super informative), speaking to a man I question how I really feel about, though I can't help feeling a need for in my current condition.

I like that I can say I am feeling. Can you tell?

Medically it seems I had a common dissociation labeled vertical splitting due to the excessive trauma in childhood. From what I've been able to find in my memories the last time I remember a feeling was 22 years ago. Uhg... no wonder it hurts so much.

Grief and emotion has literally consumed me at moments as I identify with myself. The pain and abuse that I've suffered, the feelings I could not handle over the course of my life have returned. The comfort I sought through my fantasies was my will to survive. I am now one. My feelings are my own. Seems I finally understand so much, so many of the questions I asked myself my whole life have been answered, only to leave more. What I am learning about dissociation and C-PTSD is that the second I stop asking and answering questions I have ceased once again to exist. A feeling I'm all too familiar with.

One sentence (3rd to last) in my previous journals I mention above seems to answer it all.

Jan 15, 2013 "As Dr. N explained I am a manifestation of my own creation..." I wrote that, I said that, clearly I hear him but didn't see it then. I was still locked in self doubt I was looking for something bigger. In complete and utter denial. Separated from self. I understand now. All of the answers I searched for were literally right there.

I'd like to share the journal entries to show you how close the answers I sought were. The answers that riveted through my bones in disbelief, creating a chink in my armor of denial, finally making me SEE truly see! I will date them by their dates of entry in the journal.

I had wanted to fill in so much other stuff about my life thus far first, there is so much to fill in, but I need to share the link between yesterday and Jan. 2013 first. I had no recollection of writing what I had back then aside from some matching memories.

Am I crazy? Am I alone? Is anyone out there?