Disclaimer: This is an exact translation of a written journal entry I recently located and found essential to my recovery. I didn't keep any consistency in my journal activities over the years. When I opened and read these few entries I really wish I had. Being that it is an exact transfer for authenticity reasons, please excuse the grammar issues.
IDENTITY PROTECTION: C = My Husband
01/10/13
Do I feel emotion? I'm not angry, sad, upset, happy, or any other known emotion concerning anything from my childhood and even into my early adult years. I do not dwell, I do not agonize, I don't acknowledge in an emotional way anything that I imagine I should. I feel love or what I believe love feels like towards C. I love my children but it is an entirely different love than I have for C. I assume that is not entirely unusual. I neither have, nor pursue or attempt to maintain any relationships outside of my core family here at home. I'm not sure if any of these thoughts matter. It seems odd to me though.
Did my Mother die in 1999? C says the woman I knew and loved as a Mother died in her accident. He believes I may need to grieve a loss in order to find peace in my life. That makes sense on what I'm going to call a surface level of thought. The deeper I dig into that idea the less I find myself missing that woman before she died. My memories tell me she was never a Mother. Sure I could argue she was better prior to her accident but that seems to only be because I was a child and didn't know anything else nor the difference between right and wrong for parents.
I was always alone in this world. Sure I've very seldom ever really been alone by the definition but I've always been alone. Abandoned in a world surrounded by people but alone. I was the only person I had. Sometimes I believe I try to cause myself to either be alone or feel alone again. I'm programmed to only have myself. I stuff emotions, don't speak up, internalize to and unhealthy state of mind. I don't forgive but instead I try to forget. I've forgotten my life away so that I don't have to feel. Are true emotions too much for my already bogged down mind? I don't really understand why I'm so different than what I imagine everyone else, in general, is.
Since I never knew "normal" do I make up these wild standards that I deem normal to be and use my inability to obtain or reach these standards as failure? Its possible.
Maybe because I wear a facade of positivism and portray myself as a put together person, even though I know I'm notion the inside. This brings on a lot of my own inner turmoil. Do I pretend to be a completely different person than I recall am or am i really that persona I try to be but I'm missing something (confidence duh) that allows me to see me the way everyone else does? Uhg! I'm getting no where.
I tried to have a conversation with C last night about my Mom and issues, like I said earlier. Anyway, a few minutes into the talk I became SUPER uncomfortable. I was frigidity and anxious. Why is that? I know it was shortly after I considered the thought that there is something worse than I can remember, that I cant remember. There is something messing me up. I still do and rather would believe I have mental disorders such as bipolar and/or a personality disorder. That makes more sense to me. Besides these things are genetic anyway. Just consider who my parents are for a second with me. My father is a permanent register to the sex offender database. He spent the better part of my life in prison, or trying/succeeding at escaping. According to him that is. He's not even on my birth certificate. My Mother....gosh I need more room. How could I not be fucked up?
There will be a photo of the actual journal entry posted to correlate...coming soon. If you're reading this please let me know. Tell me I'm not alone. I'm here to tell you you're not alone. Is anyone out there?
