Resurrected Journal Entry #3

Disclaimer: This is an exact translation of a written journal entry I recently located and found essential to my recovery. I didn't keep any consistency in my journal activities over the years. When I opened and read these few entries I really wish I had. Being that it is an exact transfer for authenticity reasons, please excuse the grammar issues. 

01/15/13

I wonder if it is a regular occurrence in one's life to reach this point? This point when you've done so much wrong in your life that even when you've set yourself straight for the first true time (I feel) in my life that it can't even be seen. When everyone who matters has such a skewed or jaded view of you that your right will never really truly matter. What does a person do at that point? Do you just give up on life, on trying, on those people that matter? I have to ask myself am I really doing any good to anyone by being alive or around? I'm no good when I'm being a fucktard. I'm no good when I'm being the best me I can be. I feel defeated as a person today. Its strange, I suppose, how realizing all in one moment that you love a person who can never fully love you back, not because of them, but because of what you had done to them. To be reminded that you have no trust, no faith, and no truly unconditional love anywhere in your marriage or life. Its absolutely earth shaking. The world I walked on, breathed for, its broken and missing. I don't know how to proceed.

So I am a person without faith, conviction, the trust of loved ones, family beyond that which I created for myself, and most detrimental of all, I am a person without myself. As Dr. N explained I am a manifestation of my own creation. Why couldn't I have created a better version? Would that have been too much to ask for? Sometimes I wonder how much weight a soul can take before it breaks.....

There will be a photo of the actual journal entry posted to correlate...coming soon. If you're reading this please let me know. Tell me I'm not alone. I'm here to tell you you're not alone. Is anyone out there?