Recovering from C-PTSD....yeah, it happens.

I saw the great and powerful Oz today, aka Dr. N. The man who has one hour long visit at a time taken a small girl from lost, broken, and afraid into an increasingly stronger woman daily. He  metaphorically held out a mirror, prompting and waiting patiently  until I saw her, me, MYSELF! Me! This beautiful woman in the reflection. A strong woman, fierce, intelligent but what I really saw was all the good in my heart just waiting to explode into the world. I see compassion and life. I want to make a change, not just in myself but change this world. I need to share the love I have. Inspire! Teach! Make a difference! I spend so much time wondering, questioning, and living in fear, fear of myself, fear of nothing and something all at the same time. I am not living at all! I have accepted, with a little coaching that I am changing. Dr. N says I have hit the recovery point. That there will be ups and downs but I am in a place to be thankful of.  Dr. N asked if this is the real me. I was instantly taken a back. I cowered in weakness and fear, for nearly a second. Then I sat up, strong, tall and proud! I answered with a certainty, a confidence. I am sure. I am positive. I am really, truly this person I feel emerging. The person I've always striven to be  I am fucking woman, hear me roarrrrrr!!!!! THIS IS WHO I WAS BORN TO BE!

This morning, even before I saw Dr. N I knew it had to be different. I had to be different. Recovery will be possible. I do have to acknowledge I am fighting something bigger than me. I am fighting fear itself for goodness sake. A fight that many before me, before you, before us have been unable to manage. I got out of bed this morning, and I opened my curtains. I let in life! I let in the sun! I will not fail. I will not let my demons, my fear, my pain, or that woman win! My mission in life is to overcome. My mission in life is to love. What's yours? 

Today I made a difference. It made me feel utterly amazing. It reminded me that I can do this. This of course, being what I believe I was put here to do in life. I want to help others feel what is inside me. Not the pain. Not the hurt, but the good. The positive. The love! The life! Today, I helped a man who is very dear to me let go of his demons. I showed him he does not have to let anyone define him. By supporting, and believing in this man, that he is worthy, that he is able. He felt empowered. I felt empowered! I felt the beauty that is life and he did too! This man has carried with him for years a box of ashes, representing his painful past. Tonight he let go of his fears, the power that he once allowed to rule his life, he banished. He did it alone, in private but I waited for him. Afterwards we walked to the lake, and took it all in. The trees, the stars, the immensity of the sky, the water, the wildlife..... its all alive. He too had been living death and for the first time looked around in awe, with a child like curiosity. It is the strangest thing how your sight changes once you take your power back. The view is the same but it looks completely different. Its plain and simple life. Its everywhere around us!! Life is truly free! Breath it in!! I swear we both walked taller and stronger together at that moment. 

My recovery from this hell will be successful. I know for a fact who I am. This may just be the beginning of a life I should have been living a long time ago but on the past I will not dwell! For I choose life. We only have one life, but with this one life we can touch many. What makes me happy is helping others, making a diffrerence. It will not only be a part of my individual recovery but helping others, making a difference, spreading love, compassion, and the pursuit of happiness will be a part of my legacy. PTSD will not take my life. Fear will no longer define me. I choose life! You can choose life too. I came across a few websites today with some steps I've found useful towards recovery. Thats all they are though, is steps. You must decide to take them. You will fall but I am here to help pick you up. I will struggle with you, for you, for myself. We can do this together! You are not alone. 

Sure these seem simple, but its about a state of mind. When you feel negative, choose a positive. When you feel angry, choose happiness. When you feel afraid, push through. You will never feel change, until you make the change. You can do this. Utilize these websites crammed with tools for your recovery that can make a real difference. Some people need medications, some need therapy (raises hand), some need a swift kick in this ass. There is no shame in your game, unless you choose not to get up and play!!!! 

PTSD recovery tools These are a few tips and tools that you may not realize can make a huge difference.  

10 principles of recovery Just in case, here is a no nonscense list of the basics, broken down. These are important. PLEASE READ

Learn to let go and love yourself  We can not change, unless we love ourselves. That means all of ourselves. The good, the bad, the shitty, and the muffin tops. (Oh that's probably just me lol)  

know yourself  I had to google how to learn who I am. No jokes. There is no shame here. No judgement. Unless you don't try. Then all bets are off. Dont be afraid to ask google! The only stupid questions are those we don't ask. 

Meditation changes your mind Literally, changes the wiring. I do believe an update is needed....

Meditation changes your life- ITS PROVEN You made it this far, click the link. I can't make this up.

Tips for meditation If you're like me, you think you need to sit there in this crossy-leg pose, humming like a bird, and good luck getting the kids to leave you alone! Right. Not in my house. Go for a walk, hide in a closet or bathroom, sit on the bench at the park, do whatever YOU like! This is about you! 

Most of all.... Don't expect all rainbows and sunshine. There will be storms, but those too shall pass. If every day you get up and try again for a better day, soon enough you will have less storms. 

Live for yourself.....Stop letting some inconsiderate asshole run your life. That monster of a person isn't going to be there if you fail! Don't let that person claim your success story! It is your success story. Now get up and fight for it! 

If you are reading this and need someone to understand, I am here. There will be no judgement, no negativity, no more being alone. I will walk this journey with you. We can hold hands and struggle together. If you're there, let me know. Your privacy is protected. Comments come to me before they are posted. Nothing ever needs to be seen by anyone but me. I am here. You don't have to be alone anymore. Is there anyone out there? 

I've got to be the change I'm looking for.

I broke again yesterday. Today I woke up and took action. I will see my doctor shortly. I cleared my space of the clutter that has taken over. I opened the curtains and I blasted "Fight song" by Rachel Patten.

A day like yesterday can not happen again. I will once again fight for my life only this time I won't be beaten. I have anger. It's a feeling, a feeling I can work with. I will use this and make a god damn difference.

When I return to you tonight I will have knowledge, a plan, and a drive for better. Stay tuned because PTSD will not kill me, my Mother will not kill me, my pain will not steal from me what is rightfully mine. I will fight. We will fight. This will not be the end, this will be the beginning of a life I only dreamed of having.

Feelings... awful/wonderful things.

I don't want to let this go. The ability to feel things. I was a fabulous little actress, assuming the identity of others feelings, even believing they were mine. I thought I felt things at times. I thought many things but I have been coming to terms with the fantasy I convinced myself was reality. Slowly. It's rough. So much was just survival, even the good in my adult life. It was never real to me. Not completely.

After sitting on the upstairs deck for hours watching, smiling, enjoying the life I could see happening out there. Bobbing my head up and down, looking between the railing and the different boats. I imagine it must bring great joy to spend time with friends, family, and enjoying the company of people. I'm drawn to things like a child today. I ask myself if my soul, what I call the part of me that "left" me empty and unfeeling but alive, is it that of a child still? I felt so, carefree and happy. It was brief, but it WAS!

The lake cleared, everyone went home for the evening, and the coast seemed clear. I joined my family (those people I had been living with but avoiding) to wander down safely and take it all in. Life... it can be beautiful. I smiled and was laughing, go figure, didn't know I could do that without thinking it through, considering my surroundings and the people then meeting what I thought was their desired emotional reaction. I had really become proficient at fitting my outward expressions to the audience. It was survival mode in my world. I HATED being questioned about what was wrong. I didnt know myself, how the hell could I explain it to anyone!?

I cried quite often when I smiled tonight. I called it happy tears. I was just so overcome by the fact that happiness existed, or that is how interpreted the alien things inside me providing internal responses to the circumstances without prompt or thought on my part. I'm learning to sort and process them naturally... I think.

Im still very concerned and filled with anxiety regarding my condition. Could this be a manifestation too? How does it feel begin the healing process? I had bouts of emotional numbness again. I can definitely recognize that. I would immediately recognize fear, I'm good at feeling and acknowledging that one when it pops up. This must have been the internal rationalization to remind my soul/brain that it is okay, it is a safe place.

Not only did I eat 3 pieces of french toast and an egg today, but also 2 of the square slices of pizza, drank water, pepsi, and a cup of coffee but now I think I will go to sleep...

I don't want to go back to how I felt. Tell me how to stay here... please?

I can't really be alone in this can I? Are you reading this? Is anyone out there?

Resurrected Journal Entry #3

Disclaimer: This is an exact translation of a written journal entry I recently located and found essential to my recovery. I didn't keep any consistency in my journal activities over the years. When I opened and read these few entries I really wish I had. Being that it is an exact transfer for authenticity reasons, please excuse the grammar issues. 

01/15/13

I wonder if it is a regular occurrence in one's life to reach this point? This point when you've done so much wrong in your life that even when you've set yourself straight for the first true time (I feel) in my life that it can't even be seen. When everyone who matters has such a skewed or jaded view of you that your right will never really truly matter. What does a person do at that point? Do you just give up on life, on trying, on those people that matter? I have to ask myself am I really doing any good to anyone by being alive or around? I'm no good when I'm being a fucktard. I'm no good when I'm being the best me I can be. I feel defeated as a person today. Its strange, I suppose, how realizing all in one moment that you love a person who can never fully love you back, not because of them, but because of what you had done to them. To be reminded that you have no trust, no faith, and no truly unconditional love anywhere in your marriage or life. Its absolutely earth shaking. The world I walked on, breathed for, its broken and missing. I don't know how to proceed.

So I am a person without faith, conviction, the trust of loved ones, family beyond that which I created for myself, and most detrimental of all, I am a person without myself. As Dr. N explained I am a manifestation of my own creation. Why couldn't I have created a better version? Would that have been too much to ask for? Sometimes I wonder how much weight a soul can take before it breaks.....

There will be a photo of the actual journal entry posted to correlate...coming soon. If you're reading this please let me know. Tell me I'm not alone. I'm here to tell you you're not alone. Is anyone out there? 

Resurrected Journal Entry #2

Disclaimer: This is an exact translation of a written journal entry I recently located and found essential to my recovery. I didn't keep any consistency in my journal activities over the years. When I opened and read these few entries I really wish I had. Being that it is an exact transfer for authenticity reasons, please excuse the grammar issues. 
IDENTITY PROTECTION: C = My Husband

01/10/13

Do I feel emotion? I'm not angry, sad, upset, happy, or any other known emotion concerning anything from my childhood and even into my early adult years. I do not dwell, I do not agonize, I don't acknowledge in an emotional way anything that I imagine I should. I feel love or what I believe love feels like towards C. I love my children but it is an entirely different love than I have for C. I assume that is not entirely unusual. I neither have, nor pursue or attempt to maintain any relationships outside of my core family here at home. I'm not sure if any of these thoughts matter. It seems odd to me though.

Did my Mother die in 1999? C says the woman I knew and loved as a Mother died in her accident. He believes I may need to grieve a loss in order to find peace in my life. That makes sense on what I'm going to call a surface level of thought. The deeper I dig into that idea the less I find myself missing that woman before she died. My memories tell me she was never a Mother. Sure I could argue she was better prior to her accident but that seems to only be because I was a child and didn't know anything else nor the difference between right and wrong for parents.

I was always alone in this world. Sure I've very seldom ever really been alone by the definition but I've always been alone. Abandoned in a world surrounded by people but alone. I was the only person I had. Sometimes I believe I try to cause myself to either be alone or feel alone again. I'm programmed to only have myself. I stuff emotions, don't speak up, internalize to and unhealthy state of mind. I don't forgive but instead I try to forget. I've forgotten my life away so that I don't have to feel. Are true emotions too much for my already bogged down mind? I don't really understand why I'm so different than what I imagine everyone else, in general, is.

Since I never knew "normal" do I make up these wild standards that I deem normal to be and use my inability to obtain or reach these standards as failure? Its possible.

Maybe because I wear a facade of positivism and portray myself as a put together person, even though I know I'm notion the inside. This brings on a lot of my own inner turmoil. Do I pretend to be a completely different person than I recall am or am i really that persona I try to be but I'm missing something (confidence duh) that allows me to see me the way everyone else does? Uhg! I'm getting no where.

I tried to have a conversation with C last night about my Mom and issues, like I said earlier. Anyway, a few minutes into the talk I became SUPER uncomfortable. I was frigidity and anxious. Why is that? I know it was shortly after I considered the thought that there is something worse than I can remember, that I cant remember. There is something messing me up. I still do and rather would believe I have mental disorders such as bipolar and/or a personality disorder. That makes more sense to me. Besides these things are genetic anyway. Just consider who my parents are for a second with me. My father is a permanent register to the sex offender database. He spent the better part of my life in prison, or trying/succeeding at escaping. According to him that is. He's not even on my birth certificate. My Mother....gosh I need more room. How could I not be fucked up?

There will be a photo of the actual journal entry posted to correlate...coming soon. If you're reading this please let me know. Tell me I'm not alone. I'm here to tell you you're not alone. Is anyone out there? 

Resurrected Journal Entry #1

Disclaimer: This is an exact translation of a written journal entry I recently located and found essential to my recovery. I didn't keep any consistency in my journal activities over the years. When I opened and read these few entries I really wish I had. Being that it is an exact transfer for authenticity reasons, please excuse the grammar issues. 


01/09/13

So here I am.....turning 28 shortly and still searching for myself. For answers, for what I imagine normal is supposed to be. Does this happen for everyone? I can't imagine that it does, at least I hope not. Its a terrible feeling and thought process to have and cycle though over and over again. Some days I feel indefinitely lost, just trying to direct myself forward. Other times I'm driving a race car in life. Speeding through and missing it all. Am I lost? Did i ever have a "me" to lost? I guess that's why I'm supposed to journal....could I really find myself in these pages?

I'm suppose looking back in time to childhood, (which feels so far beyond my reach I must add) I never felt lost, alone would be a better term. Forever I hear myself reassuring my sisters that Mom wasn't always that way. Before her accident she was a good personal and Mother I say. Then I go on to try to explain to them, or whoever I'm talking to that she was just gone a lot. We had chores but they made us responsible. She only spanked me once but I deserved it. I was really making excuses, (well still am) for her, My Mother. I haven't a clue why! Why don't I hate her? I'm not even mad at her nor do I blame her for anything. Strange. Anyway... alone. I felt alone. I didn't see being alone and feeling alone as a negative. I just knew alone meant responsibility. I was in charge. I handled alone well. I learned to feed myself, to care for myself, and when my sisters came I learned to care for them and quickly.

I'm still not sure how this will help me. My rambling memories wont direct me. I don't need to find sympathy. I don't want to be told I've come a long way, or should be proud of. Of what? Of living? Making Mistakes? Hurting people? Lying or stealing. I'm not proud of who I am. I am a sick, mean person.

There will be a photo of the actual journal entry posted to correlate...coming soon. If you're reading this please let me know. Tell me I'm not alone. I'm here to tell you you're not alone. Is anyone out there?