I saw the great and powerful Oz today, aka Dr. N. The man who has one hour long visit at a time taken a small girl from lost, broken, and afraid into an increasingly stronger woman daily. He metaphorically held out a mirror, prompting and waiting patiently until I saw her, me, MYSELF! Me! This beautiful woman in the reflection. A strong woman, fierce, intelligent but what I really saw was all the good in my heart just waiting to explode into the world. I see compassion and life. I want to make a change, not just in myself but change this world. I need to share the love I have. Inspire! Teach! Make a difference! I spend so much time wondering, questioning, and living in fear, fear of myself, fear of nothing and something all at the same time. I am not living at all! I have accepted, with a little coaching that I am changing. Dr. N says I have hit the recovery point. That there will be ups and downs but I am in a place to be thankful of. Dr. N asked if this is the real me. I was instantly taken a back. I cowered in weakness and fear, for nearly a second. Then I sat up, strong, tall and proud! I answered with a certainty, a confidence. I am sure. I am positive. I am really, truly this person I feel emerging. The person I've always striven to be I am fucking woman, hear me roarrrrrr!!!!! THIS IS WHO I WAS BORN TO BE!
This morning, even before I saw Dr. N I knew it had to be different. I had to be different. Recovery will be possible. I do have to acknowledge I am fighting something bigger than me. I am fighting fear itself for goodness sake. A fight that many before me, before you, before us have been unable to manage. I got out of bed this morning, and I opened my curtains. I let in life! I let in the sun! I will not fail. I will not let my demons, my fear, my pain, or that woman win! My mission in life is to overcome. My mission in life is to love. What's yours?
Today I made a difference. It made me feel utterly amazing. It reminded me that I can do this. This of course, being what I believe I was put here to do in life. I want to help others feel what is inside me. Not the pain. Not the hurt, but the good. The positive. The love! The life! Today, I helped a man who is very dear to me let go of his demons. I showed him he does not have to let anyone define him. By supporting, and believing in this man, that he is worthy, that he is able. He felt empowered. I felt empowered! I felt the beauty that is life and he did too! This man has carried with him for years a box of ashes, representing his painful past. Tonight he let go of his fears, the power that he once allowed to rule his life, he banished. He did it alone, in private but I waited for him. Afterwards we walked to the lake, and took it all in. The trees, the stars, the immensity of the sky, the water, the wildlife..... its all alive. He too had been living death and for the first time looked around in awe, with a child like curiosity. It is the strangest thing how your sight changes once you take your power back. The view is the same but it looks completely different. Its plain and simple life. Its everywhere around us!! Life is truly free! Breath it in!! I swear we both walked taller and stronger together at that moment.
My recovery from this hell will be successful. I know for a fact who I am. This may just be the beginning of a life I should have been living a long time ago but on the past I will not dwell! For I choose life. We only have one life, but with this one life we can touch many. What makes me happy is helping others, making a diffrerence. It will not only be a part of my individual recovery but helping others, making a difference, spreading love, compassion, and the pursuit of happiness will be a part of my legacy. PTSD will not take my life. Fear will no longer define me. I choose life! You can choose life too. I came across a few websites today with some steps I've found useful towards recovery. Thats all they are though, is steps. You must decide to take them. You will fall but I am here to help pick you up. I will struggle with you, for you, for myself. We can do this together! You are not alone.
Sure these seem simple, but its about a state of mind. When you feel negative, choose a positive. When you feel angry, choose happiness. When you feel afraid, push through. You will never feel change, until you make the change. You can do this. Utilize these websites crammed with tools for your recovery that can make a real difference. Some people need medications, some need therapy (raises hand), some need a swift kick in this ass. There is no shame in your game, unless you choose not to get up and play!!!!
PTSD recovery tools These are a few tips and tools that you may not realize can make a huge difference.
10 principles of recovery Just in case, here is a no nonscense list of the basics, broken down. These are important. PLEASE READ
Learn to let go and love yourself We can not change, unless we love ourselves. That means all of ourselves. The good, the bad, the shitty, and the muffin tops. (Oh that's probably just me lol)
know yourself I had to google how to learn who I am. No jokes. There is no shame here. No judgement. Unless you don't try. Then all bets are off. Dont be afraid to ask google! The only stupid questions are those we don't ask.
Meditation changes your mind Literally, changes the wiring. I do believe an update is needed....
Meditation changes your life- ITS PROVEN You made it this far, click the link. I can't make this up.
Tips for meditation If you're like me, you think you need to sit there in this crossy-leg pose, humming like a bird, and good luck getting the kids to leave you alone! Right. Not in my house. Go for a walk, hide in a closet or bathroom, sit on the bench at the park, do whatever YOU like! This is about you!
Most of all.... Don't expect all rainbows and sunshine. There will be storms, but those too shall pass. If every day you get up and try again for a better day, soon enough you will have less storms.
Live for yourself.....Stop letting some inconsiderate asshole run your life. That monster of a person isn't going to be there if you fail! Don't let that person claim your success story! It is your success story. Now get up and fight for it!
If you are reading this and need someone to understand, I am here. There will be no judgement, no negativity, no more being alone. I will walk this journey with you. We can hold hands and struggle together. If you're there, let me know. Your privacy is protected. Comments come to me before they are posted. Nothing ever needs to be seen by anyone but me. I am here. You don't have to be alone anymore. Is there anyone out there?
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