Feelings... awful/wonderful things.

I don't want to let this go. The ability to feel things. I was a fabulous little actress, assuming the identity of others feelings, even believing they were mine. I thought I felt things at times. I thought many things but I have been coming to terms with the fantasy I convinced myself was reality. Slowly. It's rough. So much was just survival, even the good in my adult life. It was never real to me. Not completely.

After sitting on the upstairs deck for hours watching, smiling, enjoying the life I could see happening out there. Bobbing my head up and down, looking between the railing and the different boats. I imagine it must bring great joy to spend time with friends, family, and enjoying the company of people. I'm drawn to things like a child today. I ask myself if my soul, what I call the part of me that "left" me empty and unfeeling but alive, is it that of a child still? I felt so, carefree and happy. It was brief, but it WAS!

The lake cleared, everyone went home for the evening, and the coast seemed clear. I joined my family (those people I had been living with but avoiding) to wander down safely and take it all in. Life... it can be beautiful. I smiled and was laughing, go figure, didn't know I could do that without thinking it through, considering my surroundings and the people then meeting what I thought was their desired emotional reaction. I had really become proficient at fitting my outward expressions to the audience. It was survival mode in my world. I HATED being questioned about what was wrong. I didnt know myself, how the hell could I explain it to anyone!?

I cried quite often when I smiled tonight. I called it happy tears. I was just so overcome by the fact that happiness existed, or that is how interpreted the alien things inside me providing internal responses to the circumstances without prompt or thought on my part. I'm learning to sort and process them naturally... I think.

Im still very concerned and filled with anxiety regarding my condition. Could this be a manifestation too? How does it feel begin the healing process? I had bouts of emotional numbness again. I can definitely recognize that. I would immediately recognize fear, I'm good at feeling and acknowledging that one when it pops up. This must have been the internal rationalization to remind my soul/brain that it is okay, it is a safe place.

Not only did I eat 3 pieces of french toast and an egg today, but also 2 of the square slices of pizza, drank water, pepsi, and a cup of coffee but now I think I will go to sleep...

I don't want to go back to how I felt. Tell me how to stay here... please?

I can't really be alone in this can I? Are you reading this? Is anyone out there?