Disclaimer: I wanted to make it known that I am documenting my experience with C-PTSD some what backwards or at least not chronologically, who knows what tomorrow will bring for me. I have been suffering from physical symptoms of C-PTSD which I will share in detail later in this blog, for approximately 5 years that I can recall. I have had many periods of rest, and relative calm but have entered a phase that began its onset, building up speed and size like a snowball rolling down a hill, beginning in late Jan. 2015. It was March, when this disorder crept in and rapidly terrorizing and effectively emptied my life, in every way.
It was supposed to be the culmination of everything I had desired and fought to achieve my entire life. I had a career, not just a job, one that I was good at, that came with financial freedom and independence. My family had just completed the build of our first home. We had roles in all parts, the blueprints, the blood/sweat/tears of hard work from start to finish. In the end, after all the hard work we moved into our Home. We live in our home and most days I resent it. This damn house, it has never felt like a home! I've no longer got the career I had, the fancy car that I earned for myself, nor any standard by which I would have defined how it felt to feel alive. As a person devoid of feeling my own emotions, especially in consideration of achievements and success, I can acknowledge that what it took was materialistic or monetary losses in the long run but they were mine! That "you built it once, you can build it again" bull-poopy is for the birds!
Today is one promising moment. A glimmer of hope for recovery. A break in the clouds that have consumed my life. Coincidentally, on Independence Day. It is not over, this fight will never be over for me. PTSD is a lifelong battle. Today was a good day. One good day on this terrifying, uncontrollable roller coaster describing where I've been living. I do plan to fill in all the information I can remember as quickly as possible. I will translate journal entries I have from over the years into posts here for you. Don't give up, or feel discouraged in your process.
I will share my challenges, searches, symptoms, experiences and random rapid uncontrollable thoughts that have at times become too much and on occasion helped to decipher the pathway to my current status. I have discovered that there was so much I really knew the entire time, but could never connect. Its part of the PTSD cloud. This needs to be cleared from your view blow by blow, breath by breath. You can not rush, or run. I hate to tell you this but someone has to. I found that its easier to hear what you already know but can not accept because you aren't able to trust in yourself. Trust in those that have been where you are, those you surround yourself with for support, or maybe you found yourself a professional, in my case it was a psychotherapist whom I will be forever grateful for.
A very wise man I will absolutely discuss along the way spent quite a bit of breath instilling in me to "Celebrate myself" (he used my name, insert yours). In those moments of my life, and still most days presently. I found myself looking at him like he would never fathom what was lurking inside me. He wouldn't, couldn't believe what I needed him to hear and guide me through.
On this day July 4, 2015, many years later, it clicked, just for a moment. That moment was all I needed to take an unrestricted breath of life. I look forward to having more moments like these. I'm aware that this war is not over, but I have won a battle. For that I will celebrate my accomplishments. I will celebrate myself!
WARNING: There are occasional curse words throughout my blog. Nothing used in a demeaning way but for what its worth, don't say I never told you. :)
Hi, just read your lovely comment on my blog. I'm doing fine, thanks for asking!. My post is still present everyday, but I experienced a lot of recovery and am able to take part in my own life again
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